I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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