dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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