just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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