I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
