good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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