I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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