thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
