She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
