And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Operation Purity has been aborted
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
