Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
