my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
