please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
