There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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