I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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