Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
