Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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