I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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