why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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