You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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