i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
