I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
