Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
