i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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