Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
