is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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