Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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