I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
