If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We have so much sex to catch up on
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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