Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
