I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Holy sore nipples Batman
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
