The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
