I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
His hands were made for my vagina.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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