i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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