I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
