she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
