i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
