Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
