Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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