so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
