Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
