I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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