its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
