I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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