I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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