I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
