I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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