You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
