Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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