I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
