a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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