I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
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