no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
