Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize