sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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