If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
