If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As shirtless as possible
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
