So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
