Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
