So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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