I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize