Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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