he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
