I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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