My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
