i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
